How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
