good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize