ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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