I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
