Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
