new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
