Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
