I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
