Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
