We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
