my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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