wrigley field is MILF paradise
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We have started to decorate penises.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
