Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
