Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We are all done wearing pants today
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
