Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
