im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize