i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
