Life is so much better after having sex.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
