Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize