woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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