fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
my liver is dry heaving
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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