I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize