Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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