When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
