I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
