wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
