It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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