my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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