Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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