i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
