grandma shit on top of the toilet
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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