Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
