i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
