I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize