there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
