who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
