I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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