im drinking this country out of the recession.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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