I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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