if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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