I think i sorta joined a cult last night
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
