Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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