wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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