If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize