i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
