Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
