i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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