we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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