12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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