the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
