smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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