i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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