So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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