If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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