I faked an abortion last night.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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