you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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