I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
