her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
