my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
