I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
